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Halloween Kills (An Hour of my God Damn Life)

by cnkguy
Halloween Kills (An Hour of my God Damn Life)

Anyway, I paid 4.99 for peacock (with ads!) so I could review this movie. Give me notes.

I went in with the notion that this movie would be mid. I liked the first movie and I really like the director so I thought I’d try to clear my head of expectations and let the movie speak for itself.

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What is this movie?

Bad.

How scary is it?

It’s not. I feel like everyone has seen Michael Myers do his thing enough to the point there’s no way the image of him popping out can be scary.

At some point someone says, “There’s something in our house, and I don’t think it’s kids,” which would be scary in a different movie, if it created some suspense as to what exactly is in the house and let our imagination run wild, if we didn’t know the fate of these characters. But in this movie, it’s Michael Myers. If the people in the house simply leave, then they are safe. But if they decide to stay for whatever reason, they’ll die. It’s as simple as that.

Jump scares?

Uh, kind of? Maybe? Maybe Michael pops up sometimes, but it doesn’t really do much.

Is there blood and gore?

It’s the only thing this movie has going for it besides Dylan Arnold’s hair and Judy Greer.

On a scale of 1 – 10 (10 being Al– actually, Halloween Kills is the new 10), how dumb were the characters?

Imagine watching a bunch of people walking into a woodchipper and then thinking to yourself, “Well, I’m built different,” and proceeding to walk into said woodchipper, naked. That’s a decision every single character not named Michael Myers makes in this movie.

Does the story make logical sense if you think about it too long?

No.

Can’t you just enjoy it as a dumb fun slasher flick?

If it fucking LET ME.

The thing about this franchise is, the 2018 Halloween was actually good. It was a lean, mean slasher movie that didn’t reinvent the wheel but had some interesting things going on in its head with Laurie’s PTSD and that fracturing her relationship with her family.

This movie also tries to have deeper themes. It forgets those along the way. It feels as if it’ll have something to say about making sure the next generation doesn’t experience the same trauma, then a man who has Michael Myers PTSD takes his son on a Michael Myers-hunting stroll about town. There is also a weird mob mentality storyline that says nothing and adds nothing but 15 minutes of brain-killing runtime.

There are a gazillion characters in this, and this movie lets you latch onto exactly zero. Jamie Lee Curtis hangs out in a hospital gown for 15 minutes before cashing her check. The camera lingers meaningfully while introducing or re-introducing various characters who you think will provide some narrative cohesion and emotional weight to the story. Then they don’t. They probably get up and run naked into the woodchipper and call it a day. One character gets like a 15 minute flashback sequence then has probably 5 minutes of present day screen time. Anthony Michael Hall says one emotionally complex sentence and then is directed to act like an angry Elmer Fudd for all his other scenes.

And then the drama. It wants you to feel awful about some kills, and then it makes some kills kind of funny. Having someone goofily assist Michael Myers in their own murder in one scene and then having someone grieving over their loved one’s corpse in another is some tonal whiplash more brutal than any of the executions.

It feels as if this movie was made in spurts. As if they had to pause production because of Covid multiple times, but every time they resumed production, they had completely forgotten what they were going for last time they were all together. I wish I could forget the same way. 2/10

I liked the intro thing with the burning pumpkins.

Spoiler-y thoughts below

I guess Big John and Little John were kind of fun.

I would have decked that skull kid who took all the candy. Crushed him.

“Since Laurie is in the hospital, I wonder if the main characters in this movie are gonna be the doctor and nurse… nevermind.”

I thought that dude who played Joe Collie in Midnight Mass, the dude who Michael let live as a kid, was going to have some meaningful encounter with the killer. Nope. Dude gets fucking stuffed.

Dude’s son also gets destroyed.

That was Theo from You. Damn. But this franchise could take some cues from You on how to balance the fucking tone in a murderfest.

They seem to bring back characters from the dead all willy-nilly, and it looked like Michael was just stabbing Judy Greer’s arms. She was blocking like she was playing RE, so I kinda doubt she’s dead.

Michael Myers is immortal. Sure.

I would have crushed him. Just built different.

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Are y’all watching Halloween Kills? I want to see it so I can review it, but honestly it looks kind…

by cnkguy
Are y’all watching Halloween Kills? I want to see it so I can review it, but honestly it looks kind…

Are y’all watching Halloween Kills? I want to see it so I can review it, but honestly it looks kind of mid

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SCARY GHOST STORIES

Nightmares


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Midnight Mass is my new religion

by cnkguy
Midnight Mass is my new religion
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What is this show?

Mike Flanagan, creator of the Haunting of Hill House show, came back to Netflix to deliver us from [give me a sec to come up with something that rhymes with evil and means bad shows or something]. This show centers on the residents of the sleepy Crockett Island when a mysterious new priest steps in and all things spooky and miraculous (?) start happening.

How scary is it?

It is pretty similar to Haunting of Hill House in that it takes a lot of time and care developing its characters and takes sometime to unleash the horror. Some people may find it slow but I think this works to great effect, as it helps us get attached to the characters and grounded in the world so when the real sinister stuff starts happening, it feels very visceral, like it’s happening to people you know. That said, there are moments that reach pretty high levels of terror. It’s great.

It’s particularly chilling if you were raised Catholic.

Jump Scares?

A bit, yeah.

Is there blood and gore?

🙂

On a scale of 1 – 10 (10 being Alien: Covenant [I need a new scale for this, I don’t remember Alien: Covenant]), how dumb were the characters?

There are those who act against their own self-interest but in a way that feels all too real. Maybe a 5/10 for standard human levels of dumb.

Anyways, yeah I love this show. I think it outdoes Hill House in that it communicates its big ideas more effectively. There are once again quite a lot of monologues as is Mike Flanagan’s way, but he writes them well and the actors really give them their all. Hamish Linklater delivering homilies goes crazy. The characters are each drawn out with a lot of empathy and you grow to understand each one pretty intimately. The island town itself feels very real and proved a very good setting for this horror story, with its isolation and the fact that it felt like a character unto itself. It had a hold over all the characters, especially the two main characters who wanted to escape it but ended up back in its grasp.

This is pretty close to perfect storytelling. I’m tempted to say it’s the best horror show out there. The only one that comes to mind that may be better is The Terror season 1. But, I do think more people would enjoy this one. Sure, I’ll give this bad boy a 10/10.

Spoiler-y random thoughts below.

God damn do I love the vampire/angel design.

On that note, I’m just gonna put it out there that I’m pretty sure it wasn’t actually an angel, just a vampire in a world where vampires aren’t part of the cultural lexicon.

The scene with the halo on the vampire, the scene with the vampire in the coat and hat shushing Paul, the scene with the vampire in the chasuble. YES!

I was pretty terrified in the moments leading up to the vampire appearing at the church.

It’s on site with Bev Keene.

Riley in the boat will haunt me. Very good stuff.

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Boy In Dark

by cnkguy
Boy In Dark

Anonymous Submitted:

I was eating cold pizza for some reason one night in my apartment. This is a third floor apartment, mind you. It was getting pretty late and I was thinking of turning in and then I started hearing light taps on my window. Tap Tap Tap! My blinds were all closed. I wondered if it was some kind of animal like a squirrel because there is a tree by my window. Well, I don’t think it was a squirrel after what I saw next.

I opened the blinds and there was nothing by window, no squirrels or the like. But I looked down and across the street, underneath the lamp, there was a kid. The kid was looking directly up at my window, like he was staring at me through it or something. He was dressed in weird old-timey clothes too. I’m not really sure sure that he was looking, but that’s because his whole face was covered in shadow even though he was standing directly in the lantern. It was like his whole face was just a void. I jumped back. When I got the courage to look again a few minutes later, he was gone.

James: 7/10 Ok yeah little kids freak me out in general. When they look like that I can only imagine.

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Malignant is the most Unhinged movie I have seen in a long time

by cnkguy
Malignant is the most Unhinged movie I have seen in a long time

fuckyeahnightmares:

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James Wan went back to horror and went absolutely crazy.

What is this movie?

A woman with a lot of repressed childhood memories has visions of grizzly murders and discovers that those murders are actually taking place. I won’t go into it any further because this is a super God damn weird movie and I shouldn’t spoil anything.

How scary is it?

It’s not as scary as some of James Wan’s other movies, the first two Insidious and Conjuring movies in particular. It does start off somewhat like those movies, and there are some really scary sequences in the beginning. It evolves into something a bit more slasher-y and joyously bonkers partway through that still has creepy imagery and fun but isn’t super scary. Probably 6/10 for scares.

Jump scares?

A bit yeah.

Is there blood and gore?

Better believe it

On a scale of 1 – 10 (10 being Alien: Covenant), how dumb were the characters?

Maybe a 6/10. You should see how one of these idiots parks a car on a cliff just for the shot.

Does that story make logical sense if you think about it too long?

I mean, it ties pretty well together but there are aspects that make you go, “oh huh, that’s stupid but fun.”

This is a big and bold horror movie that I wasn’t expecting. I didn’t know too much going in and thought it would be a bit like the Conjuring and Insidious and was I ever wrong. James Wan dives into his entire bag of tricks and pulls out things I have never seen before. I actually said, “What the fuck?” aloud during one of the twists. This movie will keep you on your toes. It’s almost fucking funny at times. This is a very campy movie and you can tell everyone had a blast making it.

Not all of it comes together super well. This is probably a matter of preference but I do like the classical strings that play during some of the scary parts, and I really didn’t like the electric guitar that played during others. I realize this must be an homage to an era of horror movies, but still, it was jarring for me.

Anyways, there is a strong chance you’ll either love this movie or just hate it. If you’re here, you’ll probably end up closer to the former camp. I’ll give this a 7/10

Spoiler-y thoughts below

Keep reading

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Swinger

by cnkguy
Swinger

Anonymous Submitted:

My friend and I were in a city park well after dark just hanging around. We were a little drunk… not too drunk, and we definitely did not hallucinate what we both saw. When we were turned away from it, we heard the little squeal of someone on the swing. I turned around and one of the swing seats was just moving by itself, not swinging wildly, but still, moving. I know it wasn’t the wind because it wasn’t very windy and the swing next to it was still. After a while it stopped and we forgot about it and went up to climb the play structure (we’re 22 but anything goes at midnight). Just as we were about to go down the slide, we saw someone on the swing that had just been swinging by itself. I could barely make him out because the swing was partially shaded by a tree, but everything about him looked very shadow-y, like if he stepped into the light I feel like he still would have been a shadowy man. And he was very tall and I think in a suit too. We were terrified he was going to turn to us and see us, so we jumped off the play structure and ran away.

James: 8/10 Running away was a good call, but maybe the shadow man just wanted to relieve his shadow childhood days. Thanks for sharing the scares!

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